Guilt.

Warning - this post is going to be depressing AF (*note to parents, "AF" = as fuck.). In addition to the many "issues" I'm working through with my therapist these days, one of the biggest ones, is guilt. I call it the guilt of privilege. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt knowing how lucky I am to have everything I could ever want or need. Strongest support system ever, a well-paying job, a house (that has heat and warmth), clothing, healthy food, access to every resource imaginable (psychiatry, support groups, world class doctors, alternative practitioners, rides to appointments, full medical benefits, access to medication, and so much more). I am very aware of this. I think about it all the time. I can't imagine not having these things, and I can't imagine what it would be like for someone to have to go through this, without the same privileges. I was watching Dr. Phil a few weeks ago (shut up. don't judge me), and there was a lady on the show that was imprisoned for 25 years for a crime she didn't commit. During her prison sentence, she had cancer twice. I can't get that out of my mind. How could someone in prison go through this without all the things that I have? I thought how cold she must have been after chemo, and the food she must have had to eat... just the thought of being in that terrible place with no comfort at all, makes me sick. I feel so much guilt when I sit in the waiting room at the hospital, and see people without proper clothing for the weather, people asking about food stamps, people that don't speak English and are probably confused about what's happening. Sometimes, I just sit in the waiting area and cry (hiding behind my mask). All you do is wait, so you see and hear things about people and sometimes, you can hear some or part of their stories. It's truly heartbreaking. My therapist says, that there are resources at the hospitals that have programs for people like this, and that I can't put this on myself. I've got some ideas of what I can do to help some of these people (when I get better), but for now, I will focus on getting better, so I can actually make a difference in someone's life (hopefully!).