Surveillance

Today was the first test of a few that I have coming up this week. It's part of my surveillance "program". Every 3 months I will have to do this series of tests. It is a very weird feeling, because I know it needs to be done in case anything comes back or pops up again...I get that. But, I have this very strong conviction that this is over with. I'm looking at these tests as little annoyances that are preventing me from moving forward and forgetting about this shit. I honestly feel like it's over, and that I don't "need" to be tested. I know it sounds crazy to say something like that, but I believe it in my heart and soul. Of course, I totally understand why they want to watch me closely, I just want it to be a distant memory and something that I will never have to deal with again. I had such a great summer - and I feel completely like my old self again (physically, that is....mentally, I'm still a work in progress). I've definitely lived life this summer - just having a great time, laughing, travelling with friends, and being silly. I'm so thankful for every day that I have, and want to live each day to the fullest, and experience everything I can. No regrets. I lived with the thought that "if something is growing back, at least I don't know it in this moment, so live like I'm not sick". Yeah, I probably drank too much (my friends have witnessed this), and partied a little too hard, but I am not sick now (that I know of), so I must get it all out and party like it's the last time I will ever be free.