Understanding.

I'm alive!! (too soon?). I haven't forgotten about you. I hope you haven't forgotten about me. It's been a long time. I felt the need to start posting again, just as sort of a way to ease my anxiety. I'm still under surveillance every three months, and I've been lucky that everything has been clear and there's no evidence of disease. These series of tests are still pretty anxiety provoking for me (even after all of this time). You would hope that the MRI, CT scan, and the ass scope would all be done during a similar time frame, but it's spread out over several weeks. So, the anxiety just lingers a lot longer than you would imagine. The "prep" is what gives me the most fear....knowing that you can't eat for over 24 hours (or more) and have to shove two enemas up your ass every time you get a scope, is just dreadful. For the MRI, it's not as bad (only 8 hours of no food and one enema). Being diabetic doesn't help with this. Anyways, it's just annoying, and I always dread them. I think since so much time has passed, I find that people around me understand less and less what I have to go through (or maybe they forget). I am starting to feel the pressure of saying "yes" to everything again. These tests, prep, and anxiety excuses aren't working for me anymore. People don't want to hear it. Pressure for going into work, social events, and family events is very much a real thing, even if these things fall around or on the dates of my tests. No one seems to get that it's not just the emotional and mental toll it takes on me, but the physical toll as well. I wish people would just understand that this is not over for me, and I can't just go back to being "normal" again. It's not like you don't eat for several hours, and shove stuff up your ass multiple times, and then you are all good to go out a few hours later...this isn't a blood test. I wish for more understanding and compassion from people. I don't expect everyone to get it, but I wish they would put themselves in my shoes sometimes.