Unkindness

Many of my inner thoughts revolve around blame. I keep thinking about how I ended up here. Did I do something to get cancer? Was it my diet? Was it my pandemic drinking? Was it something I did in my past life that would affect my karma in this life? Did I somehow trigger this? My therapist says that I am very unkind to myself, and that I need to stop blaming myself for this. I don't know how to stop. I know I mentioned this in an earlier post...about how I am very fearful of making a "mistake" or somehow triggering it to come back again, or it spreading to other parts of my body. I know this is common for people who have gone through trauma, but I really want to do everything perfectly (whatever that means), to ensure that I will never have to go through this again. This is my way of trying to control something that I have absolutely no control over. The truth is, I will never really know what "caused" this, and I can never be sure that this won't happen again. I have to learn to live with that. I am no stranger to blaming myself, being unkind to myself, or feeling like I've caused this to happen somehow. It's not a good head space to be in, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I think this is going to take a lot of time to undo...this pattern of thinking. I'm lucky to be working on this with my therapist. The funny thing is, that if it were to happen to someone in my life (god forbid), I would be a lot kinder to them. I would tell them that they 100000% didn't do anything to cause their cancer, and they are not to blame. I just find it really hard to be that understanding and kind to myself. I think that will take some time.